Monday, 20 October 2014

I'm Not You're Plan B

"Do you ever feel like breaking down? 
Do you ever feel out of place? 
Like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you."

I can't take it anymore. This feeling I've been having. You know like how you can just go to this one friend who will hear you out patiently whenever you've problems?

Well I used to have a friend who always had my back. I used to be able to go to that one person when I'm down, or when I had problems or when I just needed talk. However, that person is no longer here. That person is now far far away, with 7 hours time difference, and with his own life and problems to be bothered with. I shall call that person N.

After many life changing experiences, I started to live by this motto 'Never put all your eggs into one basket'. Which basically means never pin your hopes and expectations onto one person, because if the person fails (if the basket breaks) you will be left with nothing (you will be left with no eggs).

And so I lived cautiously, I never shared much with other friends my problems or what I'm going through. Because in my experience no one can be trusted completely, and you would know that too.

So I became 'just friends' with everyone. And I felt happy because they did not know anything about me. I felt happy because I never had any expectations on anyone, and they couldn't let me down. I smiled most of the time around people and I guessed it worked.

Guess my whole show was a success.

The thing was unknowingly, unconsciously, I actually placed everything I had in N. All my hopes, all my desires, all my worries, I shared it with N. Because N was capable of giving me advice no conventional person would have thought of. To a point where I felt as if he was my guardian angel.

Despite being so careful, I realised now I was treading on thin ice. Since he barely has time for himself now or for small chats, I decided I didn't want to burden N anymore with my petty qualms. So instead, I tried telling some of my friends here about it, not everything but just a little to see their reaction. But their reactions were disheartening. There was no reply.

Ever felt like that before? Like you were there for this person every single damn time, but when its your turn there's not a shadow to be seen?

When they have problems they pour everything out to you and you listen, and tell them everything will be alright. You don't judge them even if their problems seemed like an atom compared to what you're going through. But when you try telling them something, they act like you don't exist. They do the exact opposite of what you did for them.

I feel like I'm nothing more than a backup plan.
But have you ever thought that backup plans don't always succeed and need backups too?

So right now, I just feel so small and alone. I have no one to go to and no one to talk to. I don't have the mood to do anything except sleep. I don't feel like waking up, I don't feel like getting out. I've just been staring at my computer blankly. Sharing it here was my only avenue I could let off some steam.

 This feels like when I was 15 all over again.

Guess I just don't belong no matter how hard I try.

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