Friday, 8 November 2013

I Guess This Is Goodbye

8.11.2013. Today my dog was put to sleep in front of my very own eyes.

For those of you who have been through it before, you'd know how painful it was, how saddening it was.

Previously, I brought my dog, Nickey, to the vet because his ears was bleeding.

This time, his anus was bleeding. I didn't even know he was bleeding until today, given how late I've been home the past few days due to assignments.
Yesterday my dad told me it was just an infection, so I was pretty calm taking in the information. What he didn't tell me, was that it had been two days and that my dog couldn't even take a dump because everytime he tries, blood would come out instead.

Thus, I was so terrified when I saw how much blood was dripping from him this morning...
Together with my sis, we put him at the backseat while she held him and I drove to the vet.

All the talk about being ready to put him to sleep came back to me and I thought I was finally willing to let him go. After all, he had been through a great 13 years with us, accompanying us. But now he was suffering, barely being able to see, his hearing completely gone, his sense of smell slowly fading away, and now maggots feasting inside his poor system.

There was nothing we could do to save him. There was nothing I could've done to stop his misery.

So there I was, as I stood inside one of the dimly lit rooms in the vet. I gave him a little hug and he was moving about the metal table they had placed him. He kept slipping because he had completely lost the ability to grip with his paws and he started moaning. More blood came out, and he started peeing on the table.

He sensed what was coming.

And I stroked him even more and gripped him even tighter, as I struggled to bring myself back to the realization that this was actually happening.

Everything happened so fast after that. The doctor just filled the syringe with something and came over to my dog in an instance, injecting him with it. All without a warning.
My dog groaned and collapsed onto the table.

At that sight, I lost it. I completely lost it. The tears I thought I was strong enough to hold back, immediately streamed down my face. His moans got even louder as he lied on the table.

At that moment, I finally realised how big a part he was in my life. My selfish self came back, thinking that I couldn't and wouldn't let him go.

But he was already gone.
The most painful part was seeing how he didn't look like he was ready to go yet. He looked like he was trying to fight his disease as best as possible. He looked as if he still wanted to be with us despite the suffering he was going through.

Nickey, I finally know what it means to lose a loved one, and I thank you for your company and service all these years. You taught me so much that no other human would prolly be able to teach in my lifetime. You taught me to appreciate the things I have, to be grateful, to love whole heartedly and to also be selfless.

I know I may sound ridiculous to some people, but then again, you'd never understand unless you've had a dog which you've grown up with, which you've taken care off, which you've fed, which you'd spend time with, and which you've grown to love him as if he was another human being.

Rest in peace boy. You know how much I love you, and how much I'm crying again right now as my heart falls apart at the thought of you. Till we meet again.

"To you, your dog may only be part of your life. But to your dog, you are it's entire life."

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