Friday, 11 April 2014

Words Hurt

Have you ever felt like an outcast in your family? The one that everyone rejects? The one whose opinion don't matter? The one who no one listens to?

It doesn't matter whatever your status in your family eg. the eldest, youngest etc, but somehow this happens. It feels as if no one respects or accepts you. And whenever you do something right, none of it is acknowledged. But when you make a mistake, everything is acknowledged and blacklisted as a stubborn memory in their heads.

This was exactly what I have been going through. The days where I was so busy either crying my eyes out, or beating myself up with guilt for having been born... Not that I had any say in that... otherwise just being a regular student in campus doing the best in all my capability to score well.

I don't know how this happened, but my family have slowly became unfamiliar people to me. The distance between me and all of them had been seemingly growing. It feels as though my home is just another place to take shelter now, as cliched as it may sound. I'm almost sorry for my parents for getting me instead of another imprint of my sisters. 

It feels as if my family members deserve each other. I say that because they all share the same qualities. All of them like to be dominant, they have similar tastes, similar opinions towards most things, and most of all... I'm the one they like least. 

Besides that, I don't even know how I ended up in this mess where I'm not talking to two of my sisters anymore. It's as if all of a sudden everything's on me. Everyone is up and against me.

Maybe actually I do. If I run through the memory of the entire process again. My second sis and I stopped talking because of the dumbest reason ever -  an iPhone. Yes I know it even sounds ridiculous when I phrased that. 

It has been going on for about 2 months now. 

After that, my first sis and I got into a fight. It all started with what seemed to be an innocent bicker between both of us about hanging out the damned laundry. I was tired and pretty much exhausted because we were having that convo right after an intense gym session when I was rushing to get ready for class. 

She started saying things like 'Don't try to run away from doing it, You never do the chores, You're always like that' and etc. 'Never' is a very strong word and if you know it's literal meaning, it would be defined as 'at no time in the past or future'.

And boy, was that an understatement of the year.
I have always done the chores, in fact most of the times alone, when I was at home more often. Not to mention, I always had to do it alone with my mum because my sisters wouldn't wanna have a part in it at all.

The word 'never' got to my nerves as all of these bits and fragments of memories came rushing through my head, and that was when I unknowingly felt myself losing control of my words. If you know what 'word vomit' is, well let's just say that got the better of me.

I blurted out 'At least I do well in my studies'. She countered back 'So??' I said 'I got straight As alright.' And she replied something which aggravated me even more, and so although it was unethical, I brought up her SPM results just because I felt she was being unreasonable.

And I had reasons on why I felt that way:
1. Her classes have not started yet.
2. She was going to be at home the whole day with nothing to do, except watching TV and going on social media.
3. Meanwhile, I would be in college working my ass off for the sake of doing well and not wasting my parent's money, plus I'll only be home at 8.45 pm because of the jam.

She replied 'So? It's not like your subject is very hard, mass comm only ma!'


Those words may sound like nothing now, but the very moment she said it, it felt as my heart stopped.

You may think I'm dramatizing it, but I honestly did feel a huge pang in my chest.

She left and tears started streaming down my face.

Maybe if my dad hadn't said what he had the day before, or my mum hadn't yelled at me making me feel as if I'm worthless compared to my sisters, I wouldn't have felt those words so strongly. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But there are times when their words can put down even the brightest spirit.

And for the first time I decided to be honest on social media, so I tweeted exactly what I felt. 
That's when the drama started.

My sister texted me two long messages saying how I was immature for doing it and how she was obviously mad and discontented about it. But in none of those messages had she even realised how her words actually stung. In none of those words were there even a sense of remorse or sorriness. There was nothing that indicated she had done anything wrong.The blame was all on me, me and me.

I was lost. I didn't want to fight. I know what I have done could've been settled in a better way and I do look back at my actions and realised my shortcomings.

"We tend to see it when people say words that hurt us, but we do not notice the words we say which hurt others". That was what my Social Psych lecturer said.

I know I probably have said things which hurt her, but what I can't understand is her lack of comprehension and self reflection on her actions and words. At least I comprehended my shortcomings.

This post has gotten too long and so to sum everything up here, I'm basically an outcast in my own family. No one tries to understand what I'm going through, or what I'm facing. And I have absolutely no clue on how long this silence will go on about.

I may have been irresponsible with my tweet. But from the moment you first stopped respecting me and started pushing me around long before this, I felt I already lost the responsibility of taking care of your feelings. 

You can control everything else in this world, but you can't control the way a person feels.

Now all I hope from this mess is that one day we'll look back at this, realise our childishness and laugh it all off.

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