Wrecked

It's bad enough that I slept feeling indecisive, had to wake up in the middle of the night thinking it was morning, then tried to go back to sleep again and when I finally got to sleep, it was already 11am. I just had no choice but to wake up then.

And I feel really lousy now. I don't even know what to call this feeling. I haven't got any appetite, and I don't feel like doing anything except to probably go gym later since that's the closest it gets to getting out of this house.

I hate it when I sleep feeling indecisive. And no it's not the indecisive where people just can't decide whether to go Paradigm mall or Sunway Pyramid, to eat Japanese or Korean,  to pee in this toilet or that other nicer looking toilet.

It's the indecisive where I just can't decide what to feel anymore. I don't know whether to feel lucky that I'm finally home and alone where I can just do whatever shit I want not bothering to please anybody or to feel disappointed at the shit the world is giving me. To be specific, the shit the people in this world are giving me.
Again and again, my expectations just go up when I'm with you. Even after I've promised myself not to expect anything from anyone anymore.

Because expectations only lead to disappointments.

I've learned that the hard way, trusting everyone and anyone. And what did I get? LOSS. That's what I got. I lost money, and it wasn't a small sum thanks to my friend. Or rather the person I thought was my friend. I was gullible enough to follow you and get scammed. My 400 bucks will never come back to me now. It's not even my money. It's my parent's money which they worked so hard for. And there you were, taking advantage of my condition, taking advantage of the guilt I felt of not being able to earn my own money and support myself. The guilt I felt on depending too much on my parents. 

Trust? Yea I still trust almost anyone these days because in my stupid logic, I feel everyone deserves a chance. Everyone shouldn't be judged. Look where it got me. And I'm still not any different from that gullible, naive little girl I was from that day.

But you're different.
I trust you so much it just hurts when I my trust gets shattered by you. I hate that every single time, you make my expectations go out of control. You make me so happy for a moment, and then so disappointed in the next. You make me feel that I can trust you and not care about anything, but then after that you make me feel so self conscious.

And the worse part is, there is no one to blame for this. It's not your fault that you make me feel this way. You are not even aware of it half the time. You are just human. How much can you understand what's going on within me?

It's just my emotions. It's not even something that can be held or controlled. I can't see it but I just go with it. Only reason being, I have to. Because the more I prevent my emotions from feeling something, the more I feel the way I'm preventing it to feel. Which eventually leads to depression. 

I feel so sick now thinking back about what we went through last night. I really really don't know what to feel anymore. Now I know why I've been so cold.

"I used to give a fuck until I lost my emotions"