Monday, 4 August 2014

Why Can't I Be Free?

Everyone has the right to be free. But how come I feel as though that right is stripped away from me? I know I'm lucky to even have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food on the table and a family who cares. But... why do I still feel deprived?

People have always said, count your blessings instead of your misfortunes. Give thanks to the many times you are able to walk instead of the many times you have fallen down. But can we really turn a blind eye to all our misfortunes, to everything that should be in our rights but are not?

I've always wanted to travel. I've always wanted to explore Malaysia, to go on trips and adventures. But I am not allowed to.

I don't know how many people are able to relate to me, because parents like mine are almost extinct - out of 10 kids, only 1 unlucky kid will have such parents.

My parents think that I shouldn't travel with friends. They think that ALL youngsters (even if they are 27 years old) are reckless drivers. They think that all buses will fall into a ditch, all planes will go missing, and all cars driven by any of my friends will get into accidents.

They think that Pangkor is unsafe because there are alot of gangsters there, so I suggested Singapore. They think Singapore is too far, so I suggested Genting. They think it is pointless for me to go Genting because there is nothing there, although they drive up there almost every month. I suggested Sabah but no, Abu Sayyaf gunmen are all around.

No where is the best but home. When I stay in my room, minding my own business, they say I'm hiding from them. When I come out of the room to watch television, they think I'm too free. When I go out for lunch with my friends, they think I don't spend enough time at home.

Sit in the kitchen, staring blankly into space and rot? Oh wait, they'll think I daydream too much if I did that.

Nothing satisfies them. NOTHING. At first I thought it was grades they wanted. So poof. I got straight As.

"Ma, I got straight As!"
"Oh, ok."

Is that the response you'll give your child next time when you grow up? IS THAT IT? I just don't understand. I really don't. Unless your only ambition is to be a real life bogeyman and break the spirits of young kids, I perfectly understand where you're coming from.

I don't club, I don't party hard, I don't smoke, I don't do jays, I don't have piercings on my forehead, tongue, lips and belly button and I don't even have a hint of ink on my skin.  I'm a F***ING good girl and I don't swear which is why I can't even type a single complete F word.

Am I not good enough?
Will I ever be good enough?
What more do you want?

For goodness sake, I'm going to be 20. I haven't done half the things a 16 year old would have done by now.

Is this really living? At this age I have a right to decide what I want to do with my life ya know. One more year and that's the legal adult age, but I'm pretty sure I'm still not allowed to do what I want.

I know I said I will make my parents proud in my last post, but that is in the future. Then again, pride is subjective. If I become the richest person in the world but you still do not feel proud of me then I'm sorry that there wasn't more money for me to make, more magazines for me to appear in. That's just an example of how subjective and unpredictable pride is, not that I promise I'll be the richest woman in the world.

It's about time I get to choose what I want. I know you're just protecting me but if you're never gonna let me be independent, how will I ever learn?

No comments:

Post a Comment